Typically developing babies are reducing their attention to faces and increasing their attention to objects, [and] their social development […] soars. Moreover, rather than distracting babies from social engagement, objects and the hands that manipulate them offer new ways to share attention with others.
It is a lot of work to look non-autistic, and yet, looking non-autistic is the ticket to sit at many tables. It is not right, and yet, I choose to expend a great deal of energy inhibiting my autistic ways for the sake of sitting at some of society’s tables. Employment is one such table. […]
Many argue that all people have to do this ‘sucking it up’ to some extent. After all, we cannot just act however we wish when we are in public. I agree.
However, autistics have to do this to such a greater extent that it prohibits many of us from being employed because we simply cannot ‘suck it up’ long enough each day to be gainfully employed.
It’s Stressful to be Someone You’re Not
Faking it ‘til you make it may work in the short-term, but trying to sustain it in the long-term is unbelievably stressful. We all have our preferred ways of doing things. And because those ways are normal for us, they require the least amount of energy. We can do them without burning out or disappearing from ourselves in the process.
Faking it is supposed to magically smooth away our feelings of self-doubt and low confidence, but in reality it puts extra stress on the body. People who continuously act a pretense, outside their natural personality preferences, at some point will start to feel anxious, exhausted, angry and plain-old frustrated. It’s a bit like pulling the plug in a bathtub; you won’t notice much difference in the water level at first, but eventually everything will just drain out.
We are all, every day, engaged in mind-blindness against people we do not agree with or comprehend. We are all unempathic about some people and some groups, […] toward people who are not like us.
How many ‘normal’ people have enough human feeling to befriend and understand non-normative people? How many ‘normal’ people are trapped in their own ‘normal’ worlds, without any consciousness of what it means to be non-normative? The accusations of lack of caring and lack of engagement adhere to the ones who are different. Those in the majority are simply acting ‘normally’ by doing all the things that, when non-normative people do them, are considered evidence of pathology.
What’s it like to be neurotypical? […]
It’s being able to fidget without it being called some specialized term which sounds like a euphemism for fidgeting with one’s own unmentionables, have a passionate interest without it being called a ‘perseveration,’ participate in classes and activities without them being called ‘therapies,’ and appreciate the small beautiful things in life without being accused of being unable to see the big picture. […]
It’s living in your own little world just as much as any autistic does, without people making a big deal out of it.
Some people get labeled because of their disability.
- Sheila does not have a disability. Sheila has a bad day. She yells at her sister. People say, “Sheila was being mean today.”
- Renee has a disability. Renee has a bad day. She yells at her sister. People say, “Renee is aggressive.”
Autistic Self Advocacy Network
Both satire and very serious
Managing Challenging Behaviors in Neurotypicals
Many neurotypical adults have behaviors that the rest of us find difficult to handle. These people are generally unaware of the stress their challenging behaviors cause for autistic friends and family members. Even the most patient autistic people whose loved ones have challenging behaviors may become frustrated and find their time and energy greatly taxed by the demands of dealing with these behaviors regularly. […]
How do we respond to discomfort? To fear?
Let’s look first to film and literary clichés for examples…
We grit our teeth and bear it. We ball our fists and dig our nails into our palms. We bite our tongues to keep from screaming. We pinch ourselves. […]
What do all these methods have in common? They all involve the distraction of pain as a coping mechanism. […]
There’s a reason pain is the universal distractor. Pain is the only form of stimulation that our nervous systems will not acclimate to.
Sometimes, all of us have meltdowns. Not slight upsets, or moments of rage. Full blown, life sucks meltdowns. If you don’t carry an autism label and you don’t harm yourself or others while having them, they remain private moments of vented frustration one may or may not be ashamed of.
We must accept that it is a normal behavioural response to having our needs unacknowledged and unmet to lash out aggressively, to engage in attention seeking, and to do things others find annoying. Any of us would do that (and do) if put under enough pressure and if we feel unvalued and unheard.
[…] The most dangerous assumption, meanwhile, is that they don’t understand. Their eyes are not windows to any sort of soul. They are people in form but not in substance. Their communications are disregarded as meaningless or rudimentary. Imagine if, all along, a person treated this way understood absolutely everything they were told, understood that people underestimated not only their cognitive abilities but their very humanity, understood that they were seen as less than, damaged, or not even there. Imagine the danger to a soul viewed as soulless.
Imagine how you would feel in that person’s place. Would you feel angry? Would you want to scream? Would you lash out sometimes? Can you imagine something like an inner struggle to express rage without hurting other people that might lead you to self-harm?
The desire to be seen is perhaps the strongest craving in a human being. […] I don’t mean seen literally with the eyes, or heard with the ears, but to be beheld by a fellow human by any means available. To know that you have managed to convey something of your unique self to another person both roots you to the world and frees you.
Followed by the series:
3 replies on “Lines – Glass (Part 3)”
hope you’ll visit my blog. http://marcreovers.home.blog
The introduction in your blog was a bit misleading though.
I think you started with the idea of writing about life with Asperger’s, then went on to post excerpts of your memoir of your dating years. An account of your 20s, between friendship and romantic love, establishing connections and nudging vulnerability.
Rare mentions of autism, but maybe part of being autistic is not seeing autism; maybe not telling yourself you’re having a hard time because of autism (as you rejected in the introduction), but just living a life and labeling difficulties the way they come up.
I don’t know how any of this leans towards being more specific about autism however, although perhaps explaining that everything you do is because of autism might be as reductive as it is dismissive to say that nothing you do is close to autistic experiences.
thanks for coming by. You are right initially the idea for the blog was more of a diary about being autistic and also being an alcoholic in recovery. I never knew I was on the autism spectrum until I was 37 so I went through the timeline of my life that the stories cover not being able to recognize how my actions and reactions were affected by autism. So I choose to just show how I reacted to situations. I am hoping that those who are on the autism spectrum will be able to see my reactions to things and be able to identify that my life is greatly influenced by autism. Once again thank you for your thoughts.
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